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lucy in the sky with diamonds.

so after my last post i called the helpline and was transfered to some guy who talked to my for a while.

after about 20 minutes i finished up the conversation and my bottle of vine.

I cant decide between my options. Either I just keep on going or I do something for real.
That dude told me about how he thought i do need help immediately.
Does someone?

Reckon could keep on for some time. Maybe even some years.
Not a weak person.
not the one for givin up easily.
But how long can i cover up my dropping psyche and physical health without destroying my chance of healing?

Restricting life´s only going to ruin me.

I might go to my GP and ask for a referral to a therapist. And just see how I come out with it. Anyway there won´t be a sudden improvement. I probably have to wait for half a year and more. My insurance will cover it.
My parents might not find out, if I´m lucky.

In the end. Maybe my Gp´s not convinced that I need someone.
Who knows.

and who cares.
26.2.10 16:47


fuck the odds.

ain´t a good day either.
I fall back into old habits which I can´t place right not for sure.
Certain that my life is not on it´s fair way, but just how do I bring it back?

I feel displaced. My whole body seems to tremble, embracing departed actions.

Someone at home?
Well, not now. Not yet.
Not giving up, neither strong enough to fight anymore.
Like a repeating melody.
All over.

and i dislike it.
Speaking of habits.
When did I last tidy up for real, not only a few things.

I called my old clinic tonight. Mr. M. said he´s busy and he can´t speak to me right now.
Such a good actor or does he think, if she´s troubled she can cope?
Cause I can´t.
23.2.10 20:09

still get goose bumps

Okay, pat my back... been such a good girl this morning.
Woke up before 8am and showered, got dressed, went out with that hairy monster of mine and walked for some time through that awesome park.
Clouds have passes by and just now the sun smiles down on my roof and says hello shyly.

Stop. I give up.
I wanted to write some details about the past few days.
No, I´m not into it, not a single moment seems worth telling.
Catch you later.
20.2.10 14:08


i dunno but somehow things turn out real ugly so far.
Havn´t washed any dishes for ages and I don´t dare even to look at my dirty cloth.
Not bothered enough to hoover or just take the trash out.
My social life is dry as a desert.
My careness over my dog disappears every day a bit more.

Judging other people being dumb and selfish, I´m a dumb egomanic myself.
Every morning I get up, not sure how it will get along.
Free days I sleep or just throw up after munching all I have stored.
I dislike it.
Sometimes, the only sweet thought in my head is the day I no longer inhale air anymore.
Knowing Im unable to cut life´s being short only thing left is dreaming,right?
14.2.10 21:45

in cases of insanity you may pull the trigger.

Actually I´m quite fed up reading on myblog.
How come this high number of bloggers who describe their lifes as a painful disaster with no other escape but dieting?
I´m pretty certain this whole weight-losing-thing won on air during all this pro ana trash.
True, I treat myself no better, still I guess it´s a wee bit different.

I´m not XX years (just place your teenageage here) anymore, not real mature, never will be.

Naive girls writing bout becoming pretty and popular... trying to starve, to purge, to survive on a disease.
Makes me rather sad than angry.
Whats our society worth, for the sake of young people acting like maniacs?
How can you/me/we/someone stop these young people disturb und interruped any future possibilities right away?
I´m devastated.
12.2.10 16:51

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