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another year.

Like yesterday I sit in my comfortable chair and wonder how I got here.
All around me are the signs of failure. I have yet to believe that life can change.

Another day it will be I tell myself. Another lie I can tell I assure you.
Next to nothing is my presents now. Nothing my will to end.

While I cry about how miserable every inch of living is, I overhear the whistle howling outside my window.
Today is so far not a bad day, as far one can say. No tears, no vomit, no self-questioning.
I wonder, how it became this easy to let go of life. Until 3 months ago, I believes I´d changed a bit. I even dare say I made friends.
No sitting here and hoping to get my butt up and do some work is all there is.
Here they go, the tears I mentioned. They have been vanished from my sight as long as I can stand out of my thoughts. Otherwise I get drawn into the little grey shades I try to avoid.
Someday soon is christmas. I bought some presents online. One for each parent, my grandparents. Thats it, none for my boyfriend-who is depressed and not eager to have anything- and none for my brother, whos currently somewhere in columbia, or the carribian islands, not sure.
I miss people. I miss talking and doing stuff.
Not being alone (even though Im not alone, my boyfriend and I live together).
Not being left out of this world.
I forgot that I cared about life.
And again there I am, with barley enough sense left to overcome new year.

I forgot to smile, even. When I wake up, it´s all about my dog. I take care of her, as good as I can, mostly 3 times a day, up to 3 hours a day. Sometimes I cant manage it and have to push myself.

I just discoverd what scum I wrote here.
Feeling tired. Only two weeks left two write a 25-page biography. Not even all the prep is done, so who do I wanna kid?

Same procedure as every year- I hate myself and so on.
Just got out of the ward and now I could just check back in it seems. Thats just fucking awesome.
4.12.11 13:10
Letzte Einträge: while I wait


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