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while I wait

The years have passed and when I look back, I feel remorse and shame. But I also have the slightest fear it´s not my past at all.
Waking up and there the clouds hover over my head. I annoy people and mostly I annoy myself. I seem to fall for depression again and even though I don´t want to, there might be no choice.
My tiredness overwhelms me in such an intense manner, that I can´t refuse but to shut down and leave my mind. And my thoughts have something else in their focus. Something I fear and loathe on same matters.
I begin to lose my social environment. And I don´t care too much about it.
I discovered that love isn´t meant for me. And no man will love me. So I should give up those small wishes for some closeness. And cope. Instead of coping I try to hide the fear of being left alone.
And it will not end. Half my life are spent being mentally ill. And even though I hide the fact in front of close friend there will be a time ahead where hiding ends as I won´t be able to play charade forever.
And I miss it. I miss being happy. I miss being close to normal.
And it breaks my heart, that I tried so hard and only me is to blame. It´s always me, nothing somebody else does can hurt so much, as I can hurt myself.
To those good moments I had- I hope you stay on my mind for a while and won´t vanish.
And I hope my energy will last as long as this depression lasts. For the sake of my beloved. And maybe for my sake too.
25.1.14 09:37
 


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