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while I wait

The years have passed and when I look back, I feel remorse and shame. But I also have the slightest fear it´s not my past at all.
Waking up and there the clouds hover over my head. I annoy people and mostly I annoy myself. I seem to fall for depression again and even though I don´t want to, there might be no choice.
My tiredness overwhelms me in such an intense manner, that I can´t refuse but to shut down and leave my mind. And my thoughts have something else in their focus. Something I fear and loathe on same matters.
I begin to lose my social environment. And I don´t care too much about it.
I discovered that love isn´t meant for me. And no man will love me. So I should give up those small wishes for some closeness. And cope. Instead of coping I try to hide the fear of being left alone.
And it will not end. Half my life are spent being mentally ill. And even though I hide the fact in front of close friend there will be a time ahead where hiding ends as I won´t be able to play charade forever.
And I miss it. I miss being happy. I miss being close to normal.
And it breaks my heart, that I tried so hard and only me is to blame. It´s always me, nothing somebody else does can hurt so much, as I can hurt myself.
To those good moments I had- I hope you stay on my mind for a while and won´t vanish.
And I hope my energy will last as long as this depression lasts. For the sake of my beloved. And maybe for my sake too.
25.1.14 09:37


another year.

Like yesterday I sit in my comfortable chair and wonder how I got here.
All around me are the signs of failure. I have yet to believe that life can change.

Another day it will be I tell myself. Another lie I can tell I assure you.
Next to nothing is my presents now. Nothing my will to end.

While I cry about how miserable every inch of living is, I overhear the whistle howling outside my window.
Today is so far not a bad day, as far one can say. No tears, no vomit, no self-questioning.
I wonder, how it became this easy to let go of life. Until 3 months ago, I believes I´d changed a bit. I even dare say I made friends.
No sitting here and hoping to get my butt up and do some work is all there is.
Here they go, the tears I mentioned. They have been vanished from my sight as long as I can stand out of my thoughts. Otherwise I get drawn into the little grey shades I try to avoid.
Someday soon is christmas. I bought some presents online. One for each parent, my grandparents. Thats it, none for my boyfriend-who is depressed and not eager to have anything- and none for my brother, whos currently somewhere in columbia, or the carribian islands, not sure.
I miss people. I miss talking and doing stuff.
Not being alone (even though Im not alone, my boyfriend and I live together).
Not being left out of this world.
I forgot that I cared about life.
And again there I am, with barley enough sense left to overcome new year.

I forgot to smile, even. When I wake up, it´s all about my dog. I take care of her, as good as I can, mostly 3 times a day, up to 3 hours a day. Sometimes I cant manage it and have to push myself.

I just discoverd what scum I wrote here.
Feeling tired. Only two weeks left two write a 25-page biography. Not even all the prep is done, so who do I wanna kid?

Same procedure as every year- I hate myself and so on.
Just got out of the ward and now I could just check back in it seems. Thats just fucking awesome.
4.12.11 13:10

house rules.

The last 11 days I spent in Ireland, as it seems it might no be NZ but for whats it worth I like it.
Getting the grip of life hasn't turned out to be easy. I lose touch to reality, though.
Whenever I wake up feeling like none at all, neither black or white but all mixed up I do not leave my bed anymore.
Just lie there, sleep, rethink all of it and get to the bottom of whats it about.
I've no doubt that depression finally has found me again.
Been running my guess and it would be pretty simple checking into the next psych ward.
Other than I do not wan't to look like a freak theres my trainee, the dog, my work.
Yeah friends and family ain't on that damn list. First I don't have friends anymore with whom I get around regulary . Second family is the reason I should got into hospital, couse they don't deserve to watch me falling apart.

In 3 days I return . I gotta start my new employment and schools going to restart in 2 weeks only.

How come I hate the fact that there it's more obvious that I shrink into some lost wee something again? That I do not know how to small talk, contact, be social at any means? That becoming involved with people is getting a bloody act any single time?
Funny, though, I'm getting brilliant feedback of working with severely disabled kids.
Losing any life I had towards total isolation, being alone anytime, just to not be let down.

just curious, that's not how it should be, right?
27.8.10 17:45

they might die.

Dear me, I get so nasty while overlooking all those pro ana sites.
It´s not me, it´s them.
Obviously the hippnes of being slender and smart (whereas to say: You can´t starve yourself to an higher IQ!) dominates around here.

Honestly, who cares anymore?
Last blog a girl went on about all her misery and the disaster of that choclate-diet. Poor wee thing.
For I can´t recall any of my friends with ED ever trying to starve with sweets.
Actually, I do sweets. Partly because they are easily to throw up again.

Spreading like mushrooms they are. And annoying. Can get rid of them, tell me.

I do not wish them to get hold of their behaviour, do not hope they don´t fall apart at some stage.
I hope they suffer.
Maybe then they´ll know, how furious I feel.

get on with that funny boot camp, choclate, model and what else ya got diets.
try starving.
try hunger.

and then you might try to fight back.
16.6.10 17:11

utterly smitten while exposed to depression.

Despite me losing more weight (as I guess by the state of my jeans) , vomiting a few times each day nd ignoring the upcoming season of bad health state, I remain quite happy.
I met up with him regulary over the past weeks nd we talked a lot (nd the rest) laughed and decided to try once more.
This time without this damn touchy feeling. Just to adults (from sight) being careful but honest, to not break but be real.

Enduring these on-going winter I still freeze.
Tomorrow we both go hunting for new clothes as mine aint fit anymore or look to trashed.

At work I start doing the meds for M. trusts me on not telling others, for I´m not far along with my traine. He says I do a good job, so he don´t mind.

Okay, gotta put that off my mind, I messed up at my last med-test, for I only got a 3. Worst mark whatsoever during my training.

Bit of a low flow on chash that last past weeks. My dog is rather vital now though the bill of that vet nearly killed me.

Tidied up my flat and begann stuffing all that useless utensilies (from never read comics to long ago worn shoes) into huge boxes. Gonna throw them out as soon I get the opporturnity.

Feel grand about this and it looks far better now not that I´m done yet .

My mum had the decency to apologize for being unspeakable and I did too for just being me.

By the by I was at the therapists twice so far.
Cant compare him with one of my old ones, wait n see.
14.5.10 20:59

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